Morning rite and noon prayer rite went well.
Lots and lots and lots and lots of purification work needed. Lots. Today was a difficult day on many levels. I need both macrocosmic and microcosmic banishing right now. I’m ready to rip out pages of my old GD background and go right to it.
I must be getting close. I wonder if the end date is being decided upon for my job and all that.
Evening rite went well, but I nearly fell asleep beforehand. I am WIPED.
Morning rite and noon prayer rite went well.
Long, intense day doing a lot of thinking. All of the bosses are away at a remote location so today and tomorrow are days to breathe, or at least try. Still putting forth a good faith effort.
Purification shower tonight. Having these nightly is a GOOD thing.
Had some realizations, none of which I haven’t had before, but on things I really hoped had been done over and put to rest. Certain people nee to let go of their bullshit surrounding me and stop dragging me into their internal dramas. I am not responsible for their emotional states nor their scapegoat for assuming responsibility over their own fucking lives, end of.
Became smack up against how much things have changed for me to the point of being dizzying. Thought about the dream I had last week that I didn’t go into detail about. In summary, I had a vision of eternity, and it was not all blissful and serene like so many people seem to think it is. It is relentless, unyielding, and crushes everything in its path. It is a power and force beyond measure. It outnumbers the stars and will outlive this universe and all others. It’s actually rather terrifying.
Evening rite went well.
Was freezing last night when I went to bed, woke up in middle of the night and sure enough, temp of 101. Took two pills for fever and went back to bed. My body treats stress like illness so this honestly doesn’t surprise me.
Morning rite went well, as did noon prayer rite.
I’m feeling a bit better today, not entirely sure why. I’m still horribly stressed and it doesn’t seem to be going away anytime soon. I need to get out of this day job, I might feel a lot better.
Evening rite went well.
Morning rite and noon prayer rite went well.
After various phone calls and scrambling, I’ve reached what may be the obvious conclusion: I really should not be looking for a job right now. In fact, I think the best approach for this entire screwball situation is to let this one end in the most amicable way possible, focus on whatever is the remainder of my time in the part time job after that, THEN do my finishing week of the Abramelin rite. It’ll save me stress, will give me time off, and will help me have more control over this time in between jobs thing. As is, I wouldn’t be able to finish off this rite until November anyhow due to the part time job, so it’s not like it’d get me any additional time.
I alternate between being drained and exhausted beyond belief in a fashion that reminds me of the time I had mono and being completely anxious/jittery/stressed. It’s not good. Fuck weekly purification baths; I’ll be taking nightly purification showers from now on, if nothing else to relax my neck and shoulders enough to stop having the tension headaches.
Also cuddling kitties helps.
Nearly went to bed without doing evening rite, got it done.
Morning rite and noon prayer rites went well.
Today I am battling all sorts of drama that’s causing anger flare-ups. I am wondering if this is a misdirection; that I am potentially irritated/angry/frustrated at something else and taking it out on lesser outlets because it’s easier, or if something is incredibly and painfully off with me right now. I did wake up exhausted, I have been quite drained lately. Most of it is probably hormonal (yay monthly) and some of it is probably just everything I’ve been going through in all aspects of my life right now. Interestingly I feel LESS stressed than I have been but it may be that I just pushed it off to my subconscious where it’s doing me no favors.
Looks like I’ll be working that part time job in Salem provided they’re okay with me only working until 7pm because of my kitty. I can’t wait until she no longer needs those shots. 🙁 I am looking at absolutely no days off for a while, second weekend of Nov to be precise. But I badly need the money, it’s something I’m awesome at, and enjoy. I had fun last year. However…maybe if I’m lucky my day job will let me go soon so I can collect unemployment and get some time off.
Took a purification bath. I know now why these things are necessary. I could write a whole essay on it and speaking as someone who is a devotee and priestess of a deity of purification I really ought to fucking do so.
Site went down tonight for long enough to remind me to back this shit up.
Evening rite went well.
Morning and noon rites both went well.
Spent today being incredibly exhausted, finally got enough energy to walk 5 miles to and from dinner, 10 in all. I will probably pass out tonight early.
The walk was good, however. Got to clear my head, something I badly needed. I’m too tired, too stressed, and have too much weighing on my mind. All I want to do is go on at least a month long retreat far, far, far, far away from everything. Just me and the kitties.
Painfully aware that I am now at the six month mark. I had a feeling things would be extended a bit and that has never bothered me, but I feel like the heat has been turned up several degrees.
I absolutely, positively, cannot live my life the way I’ve been living it. I can’t be here six months from now let alone a year from now or longer. I must change or die. I suppose when someone like me fears lack of change more than actually changing perhaps that says something.
Evening rite went well.
Morning and noon rite went well.
Day was spent doing errands and relaxing, night was spent doing kitty cuddle movie night. I found out that I can reduce my kitty’s insulin and I hope in time eliminate it entirely.
I’m exhausted. I’m still dealing with a ton of stuff and I’m realizing how much I’ve completely withdrawn from certain parts of my life. Simplifying in order to deal with what I can.
Evening rite went well.
Morning rite and noon prayer rite both went well.
Each day that passes at my job I get more and more confirmations that I am probably being set up for failure, not deliberately or maliciously but because the heads are batshit, neurotic, paranoid, and can’t communicate well worth a damn to technical staff. Another coworker admitted he thought my boss was nuts for putting my project deadline where it’s at, and I KNOW it’s coming from above him at least but it doesn’t excuse how batshit it is.
As for the personal, spiritual, psychic shit and all of the dreams and crap…in waayyyy over my head. Not sure what’s more overwhelming: what’s inside or what’s outside. I wonder if this tension is deliberate. At least my kitties are okay. Made appointment for the glucose tolerance test. Fingers crossed.
Evening rite went well, was high after.
Gods help me.
Morning rite and noon prayer rite went well.
Job situation holding steady so far, but will be glad to be done with this commute. I still anticipate more drama before it’s over unfortunately. It’s just the nature of these things.
My kitty’s blood work came back, and she’s doing far better than expected. Well enough to say that she will be in remission from diabetes and can go off of insulin soon. They want to do a glucose tolerance test to be sure. FANTASTIC news! Meanwhile she has energy I haven’t seen her have in years.
I have another massively intense personal situation on hold or at least as much of it on hold as I can get it. Shit’s accelerating/hitting the fan/descending into chaos in pretty much every area right now so I take any and all good news wherever I can get it. I have a grandmother with rapidly advancing Alzheimer’s and that’s also creating another situation of drama I’m staying as far away from as possible. I don’t think she’ll last another year unfortunately.
I need a break, a staycation, spa day, something.
Evening rite went well.
Morning rite and noon prayer rite went well.
Almond wand custom ordered along with a matching pendant of the same wood. Interestingly, it should arrive around end of Oct/beginning of Nov — around the same time my job is also due to end.
Interesting. Well, confirmation of end date received.
I have this feeling my job will end sooner than end of Oct. Or maybe that’s more like a hope at this rate.
Evening rite went well.