Morning rite went okay. Today I have an interview plus will be prepping for both a charity walk and the start of phase two. No rest for the wicked.

I plan to review the past journal entries on here and hope that I will not spend the day feeling like so much work I’ve done has become unraveled. One of my pet projects right now is to wake up and think “I must do my Abramelin rite” versus check either my work or personal laptops. It’s hard; I’m not awake and memory is not best in the morning. But I am far better served thinking “Abramelin” when I wake up versus “work” or “Facebook”.

There is so much in my past entries about social interaction and struggles with certain types of people, boundary issues, and trust. I had (and have) a LOT to heal from; I knew that coming in. And I’m not surprised that so much of phase one focused on dealing with that in addition to relearning old habits and burning away bullshit. The typical Abramelin from what I’ve heard from most focused on removing social interaction. With phase one, it seemed to be more about being discerning. I’ve already been running away from socializing for several months; having me go into isolation undoubtedly wouldn’t help that but encourage it. I also am noting that the themes of my experiences may be slightly different owing to one major difference: my religious background. So many accounts are Christian and Christian themed in focus. I suspect in having a Hellenic flavor, the lessons I learn and some of the attitudes may be a bit different.

In any event, I still don’t feel like I’m anywhere near where I should be given it’s been two months. I know things have amped up and I’ve seen the signs; I’m on my way but I’m not there yet. Still in all, I am frustrated. Should phase one be longer? Or is phase one more like learning that you will fuck up and it’s okay? Will I need more than six months? But I march on.

The interview went well, and the rest of the evening was fine too. I had some insights that may help me to continue to unravel my situation.

Evening rite went well. End of phase one.

Morning rite went well.

Today is very obviously “test Scarlet in certain hot button issues to see how she reacts and if she’s learned anything in the past two months”. I had to have a very, very difficult conversation with some people about rape culture and I am still shaking and sweating. I really hope I passed. 😛 I believe in dialogue and education, and I’m trying to have that over “set phasers to flame war”. Gods bless.

The rest of the day went very much in that tone, save for work. Work was amazingly untouched. But today, yes, today was definitely “let’s test you on absolutely every issue you’ve dealt with in the past which you thought was either resolved or otherwise come to terms with” like a gigantic reset button.

Massive, massive amounts of shit hitting my rage buttons today. Massive.

I could use some intense amounts of purification.

Evening rite otherwise went okay.

Morning rite went well. I’m feeling…a bit out of sorts today, detached and drifting, but strangely good. I find myself able to observe when I react in ways that I normally do, and stop myself from once again being in the usual fashion which does not serve me.

I have also done some recalculating…apparently phase two starts this Friday. I had a feeling things were “escalating” and this confirms it; hence my double checking on when I’m supposed to be “moving on”. My HGA has me right on schedule even when I myself don’t know it. That makes me feel good/better about this whole situation. At the same time…I am absolutely terrified of moving forward. I guess I got comfortable in this phase…maybe too comfortable. >.> And I know, were I giving advice to someone else, that would be when I would say “That means you are ready to move on, cause sayonara, comfort zone!”

Meanwhile, I am participating in a major charity walk this weekend…which means I get to spend the start of phase two in a hotel and walking a fuckton amount of miles. Holy. Fuck.

So much uncertainty. Tomorrow is another day.

Evening rite went well.

Morning rite went okay.

Last night I dreamed of my HGA. I had missing my morning rite but managed to get it in before noon, had run into the temple room but everything was all dark. I couldn’t see him too well–mostly just a lit outline–but I could feel him. I could not see his face but I could see what appeared to be wings and this feeling of intense love. But something separated us and when I tried to embrace him I couldn’t quite reach him. I remember at one point I fell to my knees, but he told me to stand. And another message: Not yet, not yet.

Strange day today. I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished very much other than downtime, which maybe I needed. I don’t know.I keep wondering if I need to be spending less time online and more doing other things, except I don’t know what those other things should be just yet.

Evening rite went well.

Morning rite went well. I think before I reach phase two I plan to reread all of my entries, see what patterns have emerged, and what I still need to get my ass in gear on.

I had a dream where I had to do 50 versions of nail art. I chose a color that was a very light blue crossed with a light lavender with sparkles, and Gordon Ramsey had to critique it. I think that this dream was a total winner.

Today was a lengthy walk (17 miles) and what a good one it was! It’s amazing how much better I feel now that I have so much shit finally resolved. Holy fucking hell. Everything is coming together. Colors look sharper.

I received a strange message today in regards to where I’m heading: “Stay put.” Does that mean I’m on the right track? Or not to make any sudden moves? Maybe both?

I am now also attracting every single stranger who wants to come to me with their problems and tell me their life story. I had about three in the span of five minutes plus a ton of IMs from others. And I won’t even get into the psychic vampires and trolls. I am exhausted. This is where I log off.

Evening rite went well.

LOTS of lucid dreaming past few days, far more so than I have in a while. Lots of psychic shit.

Morning rite went well. Work day however, was challenging. Was entirely too happy to leave early–even working from home–to head to my chiropractor appointment.

A good chunk of the day was devoted to thinking about those themes covered yesterday: rethinking habits of approach, reactions, etc. What reactions am I having which are reasonable and intuition-based versus reflection out of a habit or defensive maneuver.

I am wondering how much of my personal journey and stress for the past few years has been self inflicted versus brought on by outside factors. It’s not a comfortable thought. I would think I would’ve had a heads-up and cosmic spanking machine introduction had it been purely me, but I have no way of really knowing that.

Still in the purge, cleanse, heal cycle. Lots of purifying that I am doing and need to do. I intend to reread the Abramelin accounts I’ve read before so I have a sense of what I’m in for in regards to phase two, but I suspect a good chunk of it is Purify Your Shit. But time will tell.

Evening rite went well. Much to think about.

Morning rite went well. I had a phone screening that also went well; they want to bring me in for a face to face interview. So many mixed emotions. I want to be sure I am doing the right thing.

I opted for a long walk with dinner in between tonight. I am aware of the fact that I am making progress but even with the progress there is a new level of friction, issues to be dealt with, etc. It is frustrating but I am doing my best. I am keeping myself in check.

Energy levels today were good. I am making massive, massive progress and I look forward to the future. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t feel all is lost, far from it. But it will be a challenge, no doubt about that.

The bullshit continues to be purged, and I continue to heal and purify.

Evening rite went okay, but I am drained.