A strange dream about the lights suddenly going out outside my home startled me awake, and I realized it was sunrise. Managed to sneak into my temple room and do the rite. It went well.

Had another dream too about an old friend, someone who had become toxic due to an abusive relationship and whose friendship I had to cut off. I very rarely dream about her anymore and I wonder what it means. She had been my closest friend prior to the nonsense and in a very real way I often feel like she died and someone else had taken her place. I remember something in the dream about an anime convention, I think in San Fran. Very strange.

Today starts another day of working from home, job hunting, and my parents being here. I get to hear ALL about the family drama. My mom sounds about as stressed as I am if not more so, albeit for very different reasons. Right now her being here is a vacation for her and a chance to mentally and physically unwind. Not a bad thing.

I had two phone interviews today.First was a screening from HR, the second was putting me through the technical ringer. I feel confident that I did my best but man did some of that shit get in depth.

Got yet another person who was very, very upset at me posting publicly about my experiences with the Abramelin. Quoth he: “Most Masters would advise you to keep a separation between your magical and mundane selves.” I informed him that no true Master would EVER say that. First of all…such a separation does not exist. They are one in the same. Secondly…such a false dichotomy would set you up for some serious personality disorders. Key is integration, not separation. I am doing this rite with a job, while job hunting, and dealing with every day matters. You do not need to divorce yourself from the world to do this operation; you only need to be mindful of the alchemy and be receptive to what follows. As time goes on…yes, I can guarantee I will be a lot quieter online, save for these entries.

I may write a book after this based on this blog and include the entries in them with commentary.

I have a lot going on and a lot on my mind. I am trying to find the best approach, and in my prayers has been the same request: whatever happens, have it help me with the Abramelin as opposed to hurting me.

Evening rite went well.

Morning rite went well.

Today is the day my parents show up and stay here until I don’t even know when, hopefully Sat and no later. My mom hasn’t even been allowed in my house for over six years now. I don’t want to get into the specifics of that, but suffice to say she has a genuine personality disorder and zero sense of boundaries. I’m just sad that it took me until I was almost 30 to do it. Meanwhile, they are house hunting in southern NH which means I get to host them. They will mostly be here in the evenings but yes, my routine will be pretty disrupted. I’ll just find a way to take care of what I need to for the operation while they are here and will consider this my test of handling and upholding boundary issues.

This also is my excuse to work from home, which I need to do so I can find a job and interview. I had a dream that I had some interview with some crazy person and I couldn’t find where they were located. I kept circling around and around and calling them to let them know I was terribly lost, and where the hell were they? I couldn’t remember the street name but they were in some corporate building, suit 15K. Weird.

In contrast to the rest of the weekend, my energy levels are through the roof today. This is good as I will need it. But I also suspect it’s the adrenalin I’m experiencing from knowing what I will be dealing with this week. I have to be focused and on point, and mindful. I can neither second guess my intuition nor be too stressed that I am blocked from it. I also need to remember how I would feel and behave if my two biggest stressors right now weren’t issues and/or were already resolved, and act and feel accordingly. LOA has its purpose.

I keep wondering what would happen if I were to apply to these places with a male name at the top of my resume; would I still receive the same amount of bullshit I get from some of these places? I am guessing not. I’ve had people yell at me to not leave this field, that we need more women in it. Thing is, I’ve put my sixteen years’ worth in and owe no one nothing nor have anything to prove. For the sake of my sanity I have to get out. My original game plan to go into contracting and stay in there until my side jobs get to a good point needs to happen. I’ve made the exception twice now for full time employment since that happened and each time that ended in misery, once with a layoff after I had survived three and well…this place. No more. Absolutely no more. I never again want to try and invest in a place that won’t invest in me and treats me as a disposable commodity.

Evening rite went okay, but with the sort of secrecy and paranoia of being caught like you’re a teenager with your boyfriend at your parents’ house while they’re asleep and you’re trying to get it on. Except this was me sneaking into my temple room while my parents were in different rooms and occupied. Yeah.

Morning rite went well. I awoke from a few interesting dreams, one of which where I was 22 again and my birthday was approaching: 22 on the 22nd. There was another where I was laid off from my job but given two million in severance, one million which went into my 401K. And there was a third which reminded me yet again of how much more I need to work on and what I’ve lost prior to starting this operation. Some things just stay with you, haunting you like ghosts, and every time I think I have answers I don’t and I’m right back to square one. I’m beginning to feel like Charlie Brown with that damned football.

Got my workouts done for the day, got some relaxing time in, and got to contemplate the contemplating stuff. I still have some good books on my Kindle that I’m working my way through, and I think part of this can also be taken care of by meditating on each of my gods and figuring out where I’m doing okay in and need to keep on doing, what I need to change, and what I need to chuck out the window or kill it with fire. From there can also look into personal development books that tap into that subjects.

Also been thinking about living myth, metafiction, modern myth, religion, and all of its intersections. What does it mean to manifest such things in everyday world?

Evening rite went well.

Morning rite went well. Ramping up the prayers to get me to a better situation. I need to leave this job voluntarily and I need to prepare myself to get self employed. Getting back into contracting may be the way to go.

Today was another day of relaxing, workouts, and contemplating what I want to draw into my life, improve in my life, change in my life. How am I handling these problems that they keep coming back to haunt me?

Evening rite went okay, but I was wiped. I need to curb my Internet habits. They’re not helping me as they are.

Morning rite went okay. I’m back to whining at this point because two pressing issues that have been issues for the past few years are STILL issues and no matter what I do, neither will budge. I don’t know if it’s timing, trying too hard, or what. But they are massive sources of stress which need to end.

Some insights I’ve had on both problems: each one was an issue which escalated into a larger issue when I did not assert my boundaries, acknowledge my feelings, and treat what I was feeling or thinking as valid–worse yet, allowed myself to feel guilty for having them by myself and others.

Today I had a phone interview. It went well, but the moment I heard the words uttered, “We get together on weekends to solve coding problems” I felt the distinct urge to run away in terror. I like my career but nowhere near that much, I’m sorry. Actually, that’s a lie…I’m not sorry. Not in the least bit. I KNOW of programmers who are that passionate about their jobs and what they do, but I’m just not one of them. Those who are…gods bless ya.

I will be working from home for the foreseeable future, at least all next week due to a) parents being in town and b) interviews. Not much of a choice there.

Spent day online dealing with recruiters, working out, and on FB trying to decompress.

Evening rite went okay. I feel very…unfocused, aimless, and generally clueless. And also overwhelmed.

Morning rite went well. I worked from home and spent my day job hunting and working out. I have a lot on my mind: where am I going and what am I doing wrong that certain stresses keep happening to me? I’ve done my best to examine the situation from all sides. I know I need to leave IT at some point but if I’m not earning enough income on my secondary jobs/careers to do that, how can I?

I need to do a lot of Jupiter and Mercury work, and start getting creative.

My energy levels despite the workouts were non-existent. I kept nodding off in the afternoon. I don’t know why I’m so drained today.

Attended a chat at night for Dionysos contemplation and discussion, and then bedtime.

Evening rite went well.

Morning rite went well. I am again on yet another day of trying to integrate new workout program with new Abramelin phase in addition to everything else and ye gods.

Today’s theme was “People who demand too much of me and my time” along with “Creepy fucked up sort of attention on social media the likes of which I’ve never seen demonstrated elsewhere”. It’s not a good combo. It makes me want to flee the Internet. My parents are driving me nuts. Work is driving me nuts. Certain people online are driving me nuts. It’s not good.

I did not get enough sleep. I can barely brain. This isn’t helping.

I sometimes wonder if the reason why I get too many people demanding too much of me is because I also demand too much of myself.

Evening rite went okay.

Morning rite went well. My fun of attempting to fit in at least an hour of some form of spiritual contemplation with a workout schedule begins. I am wondering if there’s some way I can combine the two. For great justice. Because seriously, I’m not sure how to get in a normal work schedule, a workout schedule, and AHHHHH. Taking suggestions and ideas. Workouts range between 30-60 minutes a day and I do workout DVDs. I’m on a semi-set schedule. I think I need to work from home most mornings, do the workouts then, then get into work late, etc. I’ll figure it out. I gotta. To my credit, I got some reading in while eating dinner. I think finding those two hours per day for contemplation after dinner will be my biggest struggle. If I get in an hour I will call it awesome and progress. Maybe if I do a little here, a little there, spread it out…I can get there.

Today was a mixture of frustration and adjustment. Very up and down mood-wise. I am definitely still recharging from the charity walk and really could’ve had a day off today. Fortunately I DO get off early on Friday and have off next Monday, so I thank the gods for the little things. The workouts did help.

I did not get the job I applied for, but I’m looking at it as an opportunity to think very hard about what sort of opportunity will get me towards the goals I have set out for myself.

Evening rite went well. I am left with the lingering feeling that I’m missing something or something is not quite right. I can’t tell if it’s because I’m still worn out from this weekend, I’m expecting too much, or what. Something is off. What am I missing? Ugh.