Tag Archives: self improvement

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Abramelin, day 119

I had two interesting dreams, one where I was attending some high school somewhere, didn’t have a class schedule but remembered having been there before at least once. There was some bus that had to take you to a different part of the high school and I had a class there. In the second dream, I was with Apollo and Dionysos, but was mostly talking with Apollo. Dionysos was fairly quiet, no idea why. I remember something about Doric Greek was bought up and I had asked the difference between it and Attic Greek, and was told it was like the difference between “Baahston” and “Boston”. Interesting.

This rite needs no strange drugs.

I woke up at dawn but was unable to stay awake; I had gone to bed earlier than usual because I was totally and utterly wiped and falling asleep around 10pm. My stomach is unhappy and I got the very clear message that today is fasting day whether I like it or not, and I get to do it until sunset. This is the part of the rite I struggle with most given I workout. It’s no excuse but I need to just suck it. I shouldn’t have to eat food that I know will make my clean food eating body sick in order to get me to do this, but hey…at least I’ll feel better about working out knowing that I had a calorie surplus the previous day.

Morning rite went well.

This image has popped up in my FB feed in ridiculous frequency and at interesting moments:

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Noon rite went well. Got in a workout, plus lots of tea.

Social media is both good and bad for me right now. It contains…opinions. Lots of opinions. Some are helpful, some are not. In some instances I can be of help, and some I cannot. I’ve heard the advice to avoid ALL social media during the last few months, but my business requires it. And of course I hear I shouldn’t be doing business, but I’m starting a new job next week and need to be able to pay my mortgage.

There are no ideal circumstances. If I waited for such to do this rite, I would never do it. I have to trust in my gods that given common sense and me not being a doofus that the roads will be made open for me and things will work out. I have to try, even if it means sticking it out a little longer than 6 months.

Gods help me, I need to get my shit together.

Finished the fast at sunset with a nice, cleansing ritual shower, the evening rite, then food.

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Abramelin, day 118

I am up at dawn like clockwork now, and I keep dreaming about my friend who had passed. Is she trying to contact me or am I losing it? Morning rite went well.

I went back to sleep, and had really strange dreams. There was one where some guy showed up at my door and gave me a white cell phone, looked like an iPhone. “In case I need to reach you,” he told me. Am I in the Matrix?

Noon rite went well.

I spent a good chunk of the evening worrying about whether or not this job is going to be an obstacle. I just can’t help but notice the timing besides; its start date right around phase three. Why is that?

Evening rite went well.

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Abramelin, day 117

Morning rite went well. I found myself up just before dawn yet again. I guess this is a good thing, as it’ll enable me to be up and back into bed before I’m up for work next week. I dreamed about my friend again, this time we were out for a walk with a mutual friend or I was remembering it, I’m not sure which. I don’t know why I’m dreaming about her more all of a sudden.

Noon rite performed, did workout beforehand and talked with a new client.

I am still “settling in” and I feel that. I desperately wish I was not starting a new job next week, and did not need to start a new job next week. I really need to become self employed.

Evening rite went well.

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Abramelin, day 116

Morning rite went well. I found myself awake at dawn and took advantage. As usual, one of my kitties heard my voice and came by to put her paw under my door. Sometimes she chirps while I’m doing the rite. I keep calling her my “temple kitty” and thanking her for keeping the evil spirits away. 🙂 Cats love mystical energy, but really…they just love the sound of mommy’s voice and want cuddles.

I went to sleep and had a very vivid dream of seeing some guy I didn’t recognize, dark hair and dressed in black, and right behind him was my friend who had passed. I remember wondering how in the world I was able to see her and the guy was also able to see her, and wondered if she would just pass through me, objects, etc. She was carefree, happy, and having a blast. I was glad to see it. At one point she literally bumped into me, and I called her name to get her attention.  I awoke before we could talk.

Noon rite went well, am rather high after. Phase three does feel like the spiritual equivalent of the INSANITY fitness program, just what I’ve been asking for, for I don’t know how long. I feel like I’m constantly doing ritual now, constantly in the temple room. It’s both invigorating and exhausting. I’m finding long walks are great for clearing my head. I have NO idea what I will do in a regular job. I very much wish I could remain unemployed until this operation is over, but I literally cannot afford it and while my side business has gained much ground it’s not yet enough to live off of. Dammit.

Reviewing all of my notes on phase three and continuing to stress. Gods, I hope I get my shit together, do this rite right, etc. I know I’ve come a very long way, but holy hell I have a long way to go.

Evening rite went well.

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Abramelin, day 115

Morning rite went well. The mornings are always the toughest, as I am not a morning person.

Noon came VERY fast, rite went well, was pretty high after.

I have been drafted, more or less, into a group of fellow priest(esse)s of Apollo. On Sunday, no less. Somehow this doesn’t surprise me. I have decided today to do my fasting on my rest day for my workouts and have today be the ritual bath. I have learned that the alchemy for each can be a bit…interesting, and things are already coming on hard and fast as is. I also don’t like the idea of working out and only having liquids or whatever that day; my inner fitness coach positively screams at the idea. No, just no.

The past two days have been pretty intense; I appear to have regained something which I have lost, a mixed blessing and at a cost. I don’t know if this is a distraction, a lesson, or the consequences of being so open that so many roads are now made clear. I have no idea. I am wary, and cautiously optimistic.

Exercise, shower, purification bath, then evening rite, which went well. I have a LOT on my mind, including the job I am to start and everything that has come crashing down on me like a ton of bricks practically overnight. I fast either tomorrow or on my rest day on Friday. I will play it by ear.

 

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Abramelin, day 114

There is absolutely, positively no doubt in my mind whatsoever that I am definitely in phase three. That dream I had this morning was very intense. I had something/someone very, very evil who was following me and watching me. The entire scenery went into non-reality–all geometric shapes and lines–and I called out for someone whom I know for help. The end of the dream was lucid, vivid–surround sound. I could feel myself physically there, could feel sensations I wouldn’t have otherwise. I was rambling to that person about what was going on and I could tell he didn’t understand, but the more I stayed with him the more I was okay. When I woke up I could smell some strange, very sweet fragrance, turned out to be coming from my bracelets. I am not there yet, but welcome to phase three.

Gods help me. This shit is no joke, and they do not fuck around.

Morning rite went well. Turned out I had the perfect robe right in my temple room, barely worn but perfect for the rite. Incense lit.

Was out running errands when noon hit, so did prayers instead. Was hoping to do a full rite later, but time got away from me. Tomorrow is another day. I backed out of plans that involved more lengthy driving/car trips because I am still wiped from my trip this week. I just can’t.

Today is a struggle, caught between being high and filled with serenity yet stressed as hell. Everything is a struggle. I’ve crash landed and I don’t know what’s going to become of me. Gods help me. I’m reading through my notes, and if I’m right, the convocation of the HGA is three days and the convocation of the spirits is another three. Is that right? How the frack am I going to be able to take a week off from work in a new job? Oh gods help me.

Evening rite went well, and it’s not just the hour or anything; I’m high afterward. Something about this rite now is deeply uplifting, and even if it’s a struggle to get me in the temple room initially, afterward I feel amazing. Rather like workouts, really.

 

 

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Abramelin, day 113

Morning rite went…okay. I think. I barely remember it. I just remember waking up, realizing it was daylight and before I could fall back asleep again knew I had to do the rite.

Prayers at noon while on the road. I might as well ease into this phrase three thing gracefully, or at least as much as I can. I just have this feeling that I need to do so ASAP. I still feel overwhelmed and anxious, but I feel better doing it. I bought an entire box of Three Kings charcoal from my friend’s occult shop; that should tide me over for the rest of the rite…hopefully.

My day today was mostly spent traveling and recovering from traveling, plus reviewing my notes for phase three.

Evening rite went well. I started to feel almost high during it, and after. Wow.

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Abramelin, day 112

Morning rite went well.

The side business continues to increase, and so does the family drama. My grandmother–my last remaining grandparent–is not doing too well. It’s beyond mere memory loss; it’s been looking more like Alzheimer’s. I keep wondering how much longer she’s got. I really hope not soon because I am done with death. I’m still dealing with the loss of my friend and really don’t want to deal with any more. Interestingly, the death of my grandfather, her husband, was part of what fueled my initial contact with my HGA. My mom flies back from packing her up on the same day I start my new job and around the time on the Julian and not lunar calendar cycle I would start phase three.

Purifications need to happen, and badly–but that’s a whole other story. It could be my environment, my proximity to phase three–or all of the above. I don’t know if the problem is internal or external, and I do not care. All the bullshit will be burned away. Purify, cleanse, heal.

Evening rite went well.

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Abramelin, day 111

Morning rite went well.

So many crazy, vivid dreams. My airplane dream has come again. I’m always trying to make my flight on time, this time I prayed to Hermes to get to my gate on time and I did. It was gate “A107G”, whatever the fuck that means. I was on my way there after spending time in an intermediate place, some hotel room all in white and my stuff everywhere. The rest of the dreams focused around travel and people whom I haven’t dreamed about in ages. So much astral travel.

I am thinking it is sanest to really start phase three this weekend versus when I think it’s supposed to start, which is tomorrow. If I go with the 28 days = 1 month rule, 56 + 56 = 112, and that’s tomorrow. Ugh. I’ve been reading and rereading what I need, lots of stuff about retiring from all business, good luck with that when you have a mortgage. I think my gods will be sane about that.

And of COURSE the only almond wands I can find online are coated with beeswax. The one thing I shouldn’t have had ANY difficulties getting vegan (seriously, it’s wood from a tree, it’s a freaking plant, wtf), rendered not vegan. Awesome.

On occasion, I’ve received “advice” from people, usually that I should keep silent and secret about this entire working and shouldn’t be blogging about it online. It’s interesting that it’s phrased that way versus “That’s something I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing or would want to do myself”, but outright telling me how to go about the Abramelin and in talking about it with others. All of these people have one thing in common: none of them have actually done the Abramelin. I’m not offended; it’s actually a bit amusing and slightly perplexing. I personally would never give advice to someone on something I have never done and therefore would know nothing about, but that’s me. I’m not sure what it is about this rite in particular which brings out certain qualities in people. I keep wondering, do people feel threatened? What about it bothers them so? Do they honestly believe I’m REALLY blogging about every little tiny personal thing? I’ve never been remotely that open, nor would I ever be. I don’t think it’s a genuine “OMG! TMI!” reaction that I’m getting; I’ve certainly blogged about nothing that should’ve brought about such a response. There’s something about this rite which brings all the ego out of people. I’m not sure if it’s because this rite in particular has been enshrined on such a pedestal or it’s the evidence that people are out there, doing the Work–or maybe it’s the alchemy of the rite itself given how it’s already bleeding over onto my immediate family and they aren’t even remotely mystical. It’s funny; I was thinking about this in the car on my way here hours before the exchange had occurred. Not everyone is going to be inspired or empowered by what I’m doing and what I will accomplish. Some will be threatened. VERY threatened. I’ve watched a similar occurrence when I ditched over 100 lbs worth of weight in a year: some were inspired, some wanted to learn more about what I did so they could get healthy themselves, and others didn’t want to have anything to do with me afterward because they couldn’t handle the fact that I managed to do that for myself. A few got mean, others just cut me out of their lives entirely with no warning. But I’ll tell you what it did inspire me to do years later: become a fitness coach.

I expect this rite to have similar consequences, and I expect that to increase, not decrease, including long after the rite has been accomplished and I am “settling in”. If anyone’s looking for any prophecies from me these days, there you go, one for the books. But I don’t need psychic powers to determine that; I’ve already had my several warnings and heads-up about it in more ways than one.

Hermes help me. Apollo help me. Dionysos help me.

My trip to visit my dad has gone well so far. I definitely see an increased need for purifications once this trip is through, not due to the trip but due to some of the, shall I say, “disturbances” during and before it. The heat’s getting cranked up and everything’s coming in. I am going to need to be as isolated as possible during phase three aside from what I need to get by and thrive.

Evening rite went well.

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Abramelin, day 110

Morning rite went well.

Days and nights aren’t having much difference. Day two of my new exercise regime, got a chance to cuddle cats and get work done.

Some issues in the evening have reminded me of cases not closed and loose ends I’d like resolved either by the end of the Abramelin or not long after. Phase three is rapidly approaching, and I’m not prepared. Not even remotely. I feel beyond inadequate.

Evening rite went well.