Tag Archives: self improvement

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Abramelin, day 159

Morning rite went well.

It is surreal having only one of my two cats in the house, and the one who is here is definitely in need of more attention than usual.

Noon prayer rite went well. Visited my kitty in the hospital after. She saw me, lifted her head up and meowed a few times. Got head scritches and under the chin rubs, then rested her head on my hand. Much more spirit in her than yesterday.

Family drama is escalating and I’m staying out of it. My hands are pretty full right now. I hope my kitty will spring back after this. She is in increasing health but not out of the woods yet. Provided she stays the course she’ll be okay. Still praying like hell.

Stomach still not handling food too well. Major stress does NOT agree with me and often turns into a real illness if left unchecked. Managed to get lunch in me, tried a snack and my stomach’s been cramping up ever since. Been getting fluids in me, herbal tea and Earl Grey and water.

Visited kitty in hospital again tonight, they had her sedated for a procedure and now have a feeding tube in her. She’s slowly improving. Fingers crossed.

Evening rite went well.

 

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Abramelin, day 158

Morning rite went well.

I will say however that I know why I woke up the previous night the way I did. I had to rush one of my kitties to the clinic, then to the animal hospital. She’s pretty sick, so far they’re saying diabetes and kidney disease. She’s only eight. 🙁 She’s the sweetest teddy bear of a kitty. I’m a wreck. I worked from home, but not really.  I was gone from 11am-5pm for the whole thing. She’ll be in the hospital next 3-4 days.

Noon rite done once I got home.

I think about how this year would’ve gone had I not done the rite and have concluded it’s given me strength I would NOT have had. I don’t even want to contemplate where I’d be right now otherwise. The death of my friend and my cat’s illness and so much of everything else would’ve happened regardless.

I spent the evening watching tv with my other cat. They’re sisters and I don’t think they’ve been apart since they were born.

I don’t recall the last time I’ve prayed so much. Shittiest day I’ve had since I found out my friend died. I hope my kitty pulls through.

Past few days Peter Gabriel’s “Big Time” has been in my head. I don’t know why. I’m also a lot less certain that this operation will go on for as long as I thought it might have. If something freaky happens to my job or I get some sort of “directive” to take a week off in Oct/Nov, I won’t be surprised. I’ll put it like that.

In the meantime, praying like hell to Artemis/Diana for my cat.

Evening rite went…well, about as well as it can be.

 

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Abramelin, day 157

Woke up at 3am and couldn’t get back to sleep. “Heard” one of my kitties crying, then about 15 minutes later she was scratching at my door and mewing like crazy. Went outside, cuddled her and my other kitty, went back to bed, still couldn’t get to sleep until maybe 6am. By the time I finally did, I wound up dreaming of waking up the next day, being far too tired for my own good, and getting into the car and suddenly I was full blown, wide open: I could equally see the astral plane/psychic realm just as clearly as the physical world, both at once. And I knew that driving like that would not be a good thing.

Woke up later than normal time, morning rite went as well as expected. The drive to work was not quite as intense as the dream predicted but note to self, sleep is important. I couldn’t help it but today was full blown, sleep depped madness.

Noon prayer rite went well, walk after.

Went to the movies and dinner tonight by myself, got back home. Still sleep depped madness.

Gods help me.

It hit me that my problem is not that I need to become more psychic; I’m more than psychic enough. The key is being open to what’s already there. Once that wall is blown wide open and I can open and close it more readily by will alone, things will get more interesting.

Evening rite went well. Goodnight Night Vale, goodnight.

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Abramelin, day 156

Dreamed a former friend of mine woke up to his codependent relationship and decided to divorce his wife, and I heard about it second hand. I was happy for him but knew he’d probably be back in the same pattern with someone else.

Morning rite went well.

I’m going to attempt something different for today versus the typical “fasting” crap that kept making me ill. Healthy smoothies, dried fruit, nuts, seeds, veggies, etc. It’ll make me feel good, will be healthy, and something different from the norm. We’ll see how that goes instead. That and tea, of course.

Samhain is beating on my brain. I don’t ordinarily feel this in the air until September, but it’s starting early this year. Either it’s the weather, I’m just that more sensitive to the energies of the approaching season, or something with my personal alchemy is screaming “change is coming, the veil is getting thinner”. There is admittedly an internal weirdness going on. On one hand I feel like I’m on the edge of something very important but on the other I feel like something very crucial is missing. I feel like I’m about to board a train and I’m just waiting for it to show up but I don’t even know if I’m at the right platform.

Noon rite went well.

I feel like I’m about to accomplish something next to impossible and utterly magical, or possibly might crash and burn. There’s an issue I badly need to resolve, but I don’t foresee any way to do so prior to completing the Abramelin. I’ll either need to make it work for me or get it taken care of. I really don’t know what to do.

Evening rite went okay, but so much shit to deal with. I just want it resolved already, even if it means I’m on the 18 month course.

 

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Abramelin, day 154

Morning rite went well.

I have zero clue of what I should be doing with myself. Work is going well. It’s what I need it to be. As for the rest, I don’t know where I’m heading but to just keep going on.

Noon prayer rite went well, walk afterward.

I feel like I’m coming full circle with some things from my past. Someone hit the rewind button or I’m just visiting. I’m thinking more the latter. I’m also thinking that so much of this, I’m finding, isn’t helpful. I’m not picking up the pieces I need. What’s missing?

I’m not looking to escape; I’m looking to move forward. I understand that I need to dive deep into this world to have anything to do with what I’m seeking and have true manifestation, but there’s so much white noise and chaos. How do I get through to what’s truly relevant?

Evening rite went well. I am absolutely wiped.

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Abramelin, day 153

Morning rite went well.

Yesterday feels like ages ago but the aftermath still remains. I’m in a very different headspace and I really think it’s going to make anything vaguely social even more of a challenge. I spaced out during the walk with my boss and coworker when they were talking to me, gods. How the fuck do I do this?

Noon prayer rite went well, walk after.

More drama. I wish I could say that this was unusual and that none of this started until recently, but this is like…year old drama from people who are for unknown reasons obsessed with me and think I am evil incarnate. Wow.

The urge to get away from it all, is all too strong.

It occurred to me the other night how we take what we see around us for granted. That there are sets of rules, stability, and an order to things. That reality has a form, or we would slowly descend into madness if we survived it at all.

Evening rite went well.

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Abramelin, day 152

Morning rite went well.

And yes, finally, at long last, the one issue that I put on the backburner to deal with the more pressing and important shit has FINALLY come up and is actually gaining some ground. I take it as a good sign; it will be the toughest fucking shit I will have to deal with during this entire operation and the fact that I CAN deal with it right now has to be a good thing. However…at the same time, it’s an energy suck. I don’t have the bandwidth and so much of it is steeped in intense drama llama. I don’t think I can handle this right now. I don’t even think there’s a constructive way in which to do so. Simply put: I don’t think I’m ready and I don’t have bandwidth/resources.

Noon prayer rite went well.

Fought with some online bullshit. Gods, what a time waster. Why? Bullshit stalkers who obsess over me to the point of insanity and harass everyone who comes near me as a result, and they don’t even know who I am. Even anonymity can’t save from such types; I can’t even source mild Internet fame in small corners as the cause of this, and other people have been dragged into it and are getting harassed too. Gods help me.

Evening rite went okay, but I am beyond frustrated. I’m past whining and am to the point of ranting. Way too much in the way of drama dumped in my lap in various corners of my life. I have begged my gods to either find a way for it to be resolved or table it until after K&C. I can’t afford the mental/emotional/psychic suck right now. I just can’t.

Please dear gods, aid me in purging my personal bullshit. Properly prepare me to get my shit in gear so that I may complete this rite successfully. Please.

 

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Abramelin, day 151

I had the strangest, most vivid dreams. I kept accidentally traveling through time, would randomly go from one to the next. I couldn’t keep track. One moment it was 2010, next it was 3000 and I was afraid to go outside and see if humanity hadn’t managed to totally fuck itself up. Well it hadn’t, but I was levitating in the street and so were other people. Hm. I finally got back to my own time, and was told that at my current job, every perm employee had to have one of their teeth extracted and spend the next four months spending as much time standing as possible in order to fully recover from the surgery. They recommended taking up painting during that time.

No drugs or meds, I swear.

Morning rite went well.

Also, this fasting thing? It’s not working out. I’m either Doing It Wrong or it’s just not what I need to be doing. Nearly every time I do it, I am set to get sick, screw up my digestive system, all sorts of madness. I was in the bathroom WAY too much today owing probably due to what I ate after not having eaten the whole day. I’m wondering if I just need to do some sort of raw thing, juicing thing, I don’t know what thing, but I’m just not reaping the benefits of this other than proving I can torture myself for the cause. There HAS to be a better way.

Noon prayer rite went well.

I gotta figure my shit out, but I have gained some nice keys and insights, thanks to Saturday night.

Evening rite went well.

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Abramelin, day 150

Morning rite went well.

I am facing the total certainty that I will not be done in six months’ time. I have also realized that if I take the week off while still a contractor, I lose an entire week’s pay. Given my financial situation I can’t risk that without proper preparation and/or some additional financial support.

I need to be properly prepared on all levels. There’s making sacrifices and taking risks, and then there’s just plain being sensible. I don’t know what to do.

I am remembering more and more of last night’s ritual. I had a vision of my HGA on the other side of a wall with cracks and holes beginning to show. He just stood there, waiting.

Noon rite done much later than noon because I spaced, owing to intense sinus headache and feeling almost like I am hungover. Today was fasting day which did not help.

Evening rite went well, crashed VERY early.

 

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Abramelin, day 149

Morning rite went well.

Due to life circumstances, noon was a prayer rite in the car but done nonetheless.

I have realized that I am on autopilot. I have truly been reset to the way I was prior to what I refer to as The Incident, before 2007, and I don’t know how to properly integrate it with everything that’s happened since. I babble in social settings, at work, I can’t shut the fuck up. Am I overcompensating? Am I donning the “this is my public space, I swear I haven’t checked out due to Abramelin”? I don’t know. It’s almost like I’m manic.

Attended a ritual in honor of Diana, received a most intriguing oracle, could not come back to earth or ground after that ritual. It was intense, very intense.

Evening rite went well. I have a lot to chew on about what happened during that rite and other things, crashed for about 8-9 hours of sleep that night.