Tag Archives: life death rebirth

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Abramelin, day 190

Morning and noon rites went well.

Today my cat went in for glucose testing, with great news: she is no longer diabetic. Thank the gods. I still have to dose her food with antibiotics and the potassium supplement and she still has to stay on the special food, but no more shots. This is WONDERFUL.

Got a combination energy healing and massage. Kept getting told how “great” my energy was, finally got asked if I do energy work. Yes, I definitely do. 🙂

Went to my first coven event in ages, really missed everyone. Both this ritual and the next one I’ll be attending are appropriately themed to the Abramelin at this stage and that’s all I’m going to say, and the only people who will get that are the initiates in my coven and others. Anyhoo.

I guess the next stresses on my list will be bouncing between two vastly different jobs while wondering when the main one will end and continuing this operation.

Whee.

I have a MASSIVE headache due to muscle strain in my neck and shoulders. Massive.

And now that I can finally sleep in in the morning I totally will.

Evening rite went well.

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Abramelin, day 158

Morning rite went well.

I will say however that I know why I woke up the previous night the way I did. I had to rush one of my kitties to the clinic, then to the animal hospital. She’s pretty sick, so far they’re saying diabetes and kidney disease. She’s only eight. 🙁 She’s the sweetest teddy bear of a kitty. I’m a wreck. I worked from home, but not really.  I was gone from 11am-5pm for the whole thing. She’ll be in the hospital next 3-4 days.

Noon rite done once I got home.

I think about how this year would’ve gone had I not done the rite and have concluded it’s given me strength I would NOT have had. I don’t even want to contemplate where I’d be right now otherwise. The death of my friend and my cat’s illness and so much of everything else would’ve happened regardless.

I spent the evening watching tv with my other cat. They’re sisters and I don’t think they’ve been apart since they were born.

I don’t recall the last time I’ve prayed so much. Shittiest day I’ve had since I found out my friend died. I hope my kitty pulls through.

Past few days Peter Gabriel’s “Big Time” has been in my head. I don’t know why. I’m also a lot less certain that this operation will go on for as long as I thought it might have. If something freaky happens to my job or I get some sort of “directive” to take a week off in Oct/Nov, I won’t be surprised. I’ll put it like that.

In the meantime, praying like hell to Artemis/Diana for my cat.

Evening rite went…well, about as well as it can be.

 

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Abramelin, day 116

Morning rite went well. I found myself awake at dawn and took advantage. As usual, one of my kitties heard my voice and came by to put her paw under my door. Sometimes she chirps while I’m doing the rite. I keep calling her my “temple kitty” and thanking her for keeping the evil spirits away. 🙂 Cats love mystical energy, but really…they just love the sound of mommy’s voice and want cuddles.

I went to sleep and had a very vivid dream of seeing some guy I didn’t recognize, dark hair and dressed in black, and right behind him was my friend who had passed. I remember wondering how in the world I was able to see her and the guy was also able to see her, and wondered if she would just pass through me, objects, etc. She was carefree, happy, and having a blast. I was glad to see it. At one point she literally bumped into me, and I called her name to get her attention.  I awoke before we could talk.

Noon rite went well, am rather high after. Phase three does feel like the spiritual equivalent of the INSANITY fitness program, just what I’ve been asking for, for I don’t know how long. I feel like I’m constantly doing ritual now, constantly in the temple room. It’s both invigorating and exhausting. I’m finding long walks are great for clearing my head. I have NO idea what I will do in a regular job. I very much wish I could remain unemployed until this operation is over, but I literally cannot afford it and while my side business has gained much ground it’s not yet enough to live off of. Dammit.

Reviewing all of my notes on phase three and continuing to stress. Gods, I hope I get my shit together, do this rite right, etc. I know I’ve come a very long way, but holy hell I have a long way to go.

Evening rite went well.

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Abramelin, day 43

Morning rite went well. I will say however that my dreams are a little too focused as of late on death and mortality and it needs to stop. It was like that before my friend died, but it’s starting to happen again. None of that crap will help me.

As I type this, I have been messaged with the knowledge that a second person in my life has died who has caused me a great amount of trouble in my past. I never wish nor would wish death upon anyone and I don’t feel that either individual’s crimes warranted death, but I am very much left not knowing what to think. It’s a bit of a shock. I think I’ll digest and post thoughts later. Both of them started out as my friend but then started sexually harassing me despite repeated efforts to brush them off. Each one, after I turned them down, got downright nasty towards me and said some pretty slanderous stuff behind my back. One of them in particular tried to slut-shame me on a well trafficked emailing list back in the day and was met with…well, extreme amusement by me. Nuff said,

Each was a very prominent member of their communities and were relatively well known. Not surprisingly they have hurt others as well; the most recent one in particular did a lot of ugly things to very good people. I am rarely a solitary target in these sorts of matters, which is why I do my best to speak up. Bullies and abusers are bullies and abusers.

I think my official reaction can be summed up as this: it’s sad that each individual was so screwed up in the head that they didn’t realize how badly they hurt others and sought to make amends before it was too late. I was not close to either individual in question but I feel for those who were, and were on good terms with them. Loss is loss, and you have my support and sympathies FWIW.

On a totally different note, fantastic quote on my friends list today:

“Heroes need monsters to establish their heroic credentials. You need something scary to overcome.” -Margaret Atwood

I’ve had a few scary things to overcome and still do. I’m actually hoping the Abramelin operation resolves a pretty big one in particular or at the very least gives me the appropriate tools with which to do so. There’s at least one or two I’d like to see at the business end of my wand at the end of this operation.

Evening rite went…okay, I guess. I’ve got a lot of processing to do, fucktons of purification and healing. I’ve only just begun.

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Abramelin, day 23

Morning rite went well. I had a dream of sorts, half awake and half asleep, and I heard someone say something to the effect that the way to the dead was not actually through the underworld, but via Olympos. I could’ve sworn it was my friend. I think if I am to interpret this correctly that where she is at, she keeps bright company. It is, for a lack of a better term, heaven.

While I feel that I have a ways to go in getting my shit resolved, I actually have the hope of getting there. I feel like it’s within reach, and I’m no longer just flailing around and chasing my own tail.

It’s interesting; the first and only “real” time I interacted with and spoke with my HGA was a few months after my grandfather’s death. I dreamed about talking with my grandfather too, actually, but that’s a whole other story. I remember spending much of the time talking with my HGA apologizing for not having realized he was there all along, in other dreams and conversations and it was so obvious I felt like a dumbass. I thought I had achieved K&C then, but really I just had the “C”. Perhaps it was preparation for what was to come.

Evening rite however was …challenging. And draining. I went straight to bed after and passed out for a good eight hours.

Cleanse and purge.

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Abramelin, day 15

And so I begin week three of the operation.

I woke up from some very intense dreams about Apollo and being in a world where I was literally Kyrene of the tales and legends. I was queen of some foreign land and wife of Apollo. It was a very strange dream and I got dragged into all sorts of crazy battles, politics, and what-have-you. There was also a part where I was instructed to give someone cookies that would have some strange supernatural effect on them. Then there was talk about having cookies in the cookies. There was also one point where I was in bed and there were candles lit, and I was paranoid about them falling over and causing fires, but they were all too small and just went out instead with no harm done. Too much Robert Calasso before bedtime and too high of a temperature, obviously, but seriously…that whole “knowledge and conversation” thing is sometimes a bit more than a mere euphemism. Towards the end of the dream I remembered who I really was, but it was like I was catapulted back into this reality but still dealing with the ramifications of that other world which started bleeding into this one.

Morning rite went well. I’m still waking up with a temp and spacey. It’s not high enough that I’m turning to drugs just yet and with any luck the antibiotics will kick in and I’ll be fine. It’s basically just high enough to give cognitive functions a serious crippling–it’s basically like being drunk or stoned minus the fun of each. Meanwhile my subconscious is being haunted by the spirits of dead friends and deities are traipsing through it as well. I mean, if there’s a deity of seances, astral travel, talking to dead people and what-have-you it’d very obviously be him. I had dreams where I was talking with my friend but I can’t remember much of anything that was said.

I think back to when I started wondering if Hermes was a patron of mine, and I laaaaauuuuuugghhhhhhhhhh

Also, I think I see why this magical working has the potential to drive you nuts. I don’t have a clue as to why an incredibly simple rite has the capacity to open up massive flood gates of psychic and spiritual shit, but there you have it.

I’ve been going back into my old LJ and started reading hers. Interestingly, a few months ago back on Oct this is part of what she wrote:

Death of loved ones is not something that anyone finds easy to cope with. Having outlived 12 of the people I cared about, many of whom were the same age as, or even younger than me, makes it worse. It seems like it’s a message from the Universe warning me “Don’t get too close to anyone, for sooner or later they will be taken away.” Conversely, you start to worry about your own mortality, and how it might affect others – “don’t let them get too close to you, for when you go, they’ll be hurt in the same way you’ve been affected by the death of those you loved”.

It’s terrifying how close to being prophetic that entry of hers was/is, and I’m sure she had no idea her time would come so soon. I also don’t think it’s coincidence that I stumbled across it.

I don’t know how many times it has to be hit over my head to take absolutely no moment nor person for granted, to not count on there being a tomorrow, or to assume due to my supposed youth that everyone will always be around and I have all the time in the world. I do not. I burned my candles at all ends trying to meet so many goals and while those goals still remain dear to me I wonder if I was going about them in the wrong way.

Evening rite done. I think it went okay. I have a lot weighing on my mind, a lot of strange ideas in my head bordering on conspiracy theory, and I am wondering about many things. Going to get more reading done before bedtime. In the meantime, I’m taking the time out to cuddle with kitties and reconnect with some old acquaintances online.

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Abramelin, day 14

Morning rite went okay. I managed to drag myself to work–much to the amusement and befuddlement of my coworkers, especially when they heard how my week has been going. As I phrased it earlier, I’m in full agreement with them: I was cuckoo for cocoa puffs for being at the office. Am now on antibiotics and hoping it’ll kick the ass out of whatever I’ve got because if it doesn’t I have to give another brand a try, and anything else other than what I’m taking I’m either very allergic to or makes me violently ill.

Things still don’t feel real. I keep hoping I’ll go to sleep, wake up, and things will get back on sync but they really haven’t been. I really do feel like I’ve been deposited into some foreign reality. I know that there are supposedly all of these stages of grief, but the reality is that they’re not stages; you jump around from emotion to emotion. One moment it’s denial, another it’s anger, another it’s depression, etc. There’s no straight line. It’s more like a great big ball of wibbly wobbly…oh never mind.

Had a vision/dream early this morning, I think prior to my doing the morning rite. That light again that I saw, and someone talking to me about the rite and the death of my friend. I didn’t fully understand the message other than the emphasis that this too is a part of the rite whether I like it or not. I am hoping if nothing else it fuels my desire to get this genuinely DONE and not just on some feel-good psychological level.

I wound up falling asleep around 4ish, woke up around 6 or so, was totally off balance. No kitty movie night as planned but I think tomorrow night may be best for that. Then I won’t have to worry about being up early for a job I can barely focus on right now as is.

Evening rite went well. I am trying to remind myself that everything, absolutely, I go through is a part of this rite. Even the shit that hurts. I wonder how I would’ve reacted to my friend’s death had I not done this rite, and I was thinking about this earlier today. Would it be better? Worse? Where would I be now?

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Abramelin, day 13

Morning ritual went well. I once again slept right through the sunrise alarm. Not even sure why I still have it.

I will be working from home today again, will back in the office tomorrow. I didn’t sleep very well. I am still running a temp. Doctor’s appt made as it’s fairly obvious it’s my annual sinus infection. I hoped not to get it this year but the stress with the job, the sleep interruptions due to the start of the Abramelin, the mortgage refinance endless drama, and of course the death of my friend didn’t really contribute to wellness for my immune system.

l-i-f-e g-o-e-s o-n

I forgot to post this yesterday, but when I came home to light a candle for her on Hermes’ altar, the radio started playing New Order’s “Regret”. Do you ever get the sense that your life is not your own, and things happen which seem just a little too neat to be coincidence? Does your life feel like it’s being written by someone else? I’ve never had the chance to really see anything in my life as being truly random. It’s why since yesterday I can’t stop saying “It makes no sense.”

I am in the wrong universe.

It’s not yet been two weeks doing this magical operation and it feels like two months. I’ve been adding more regular spiritual practice, something which I should’ve done ages ago. Sunday for Apollo, Monday for Papa Legba, Wednesday for Hermes, Friday for Dionysos. I might do Sunday during the day for Apollo and night for Dionysos at some point but will depend on schedule and the “flow”. Sunday is honestly a crazy day of ritual as is.

Evening rite was okay, although nearly as long as last night’s. I need to take as long with the Abramelin as possible. I don’t care how long it takes; I’m not stopping until it’s done. I’m not settling for randomness, blue pills, and pointlessness that just turns into poison. I just can’t.

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Abramelin, day 12

Morning rite went well. I once again slept through the sunrise alarm and thanked my HGA for letting me sleep in.

At work this morning after I got in I found out that a good friend of mine whom I had met over a decade ago died in what I can only describe as a random and senseless tragedy for someone who had kicked ass, took names, and even beat the ever-living shit out of cancer twice. I let my boss know and he let me go work from home. I can’t really think straight nor can I stop crying. She was (gods I hate referring to her in the past tense) a fellow pagan , a fellow cat lover, and heavily into the local music scene and was an entrepreneur, smart, funny, and just a great person on the whole. Second to last time I saw her was at a party and we drank wine and talked about cats, physical fitness, and gods help me I can’t even remember the rest. We just had a good time chatting. Time after that was for a New Year’s Eve party. She put random small objects like the tv remote and a pair of sunglasses on top of the cat and took pictures, we were all giggling. Then we were traumatized by whatever performance came on after or before the ball dropped, I don’t remember. Something to do with Miley Cyrus I think.

We’re both busy as fuck with our lives and careers and didn’t get to hang out often, but I was constantly posting crazy cat lady jokes and pics on her well because hey, that’s how we both rolled. I met her at a goth meetup that no longer exists, ages and ages ago when I was trying to meet and make new friends in the area. She was going to do an interview for me and my author stuff but work got in the way, life got in the way, everything got in the way.

It doesn’t make any sense. I sound like every cliche in the book but she was supposed to grow up to become one of those cool, crazy old cat ladies and only die of ridiculous old age due to excessive punk rock, surrounded by cats and music.

We’re all grasping at pieces of eternity and I wish I had greater certainty of absolutely anything in this world. The people of this world and those who enter into our lives are an important part of them; people who go at lengths to deny this are terribly, terribly wrong. Reality is defined by us and those around us and without it, it would not exist. And if any of us figures out this crazy, fucked up merry go round roller coaster we’re on beyond what is visible then we have the absolute right as thinking, feeling beings to disseminate that amongst the rest of us and/or at the very least inspire others to do similarly.

I don’t know what to say about the evening rite other than I did it and it’s probably the longest one I’ve done so far.

Cleanse and purge.